Friday 17 October 2008

The German toilet

The German toilet is subject to much debate. For Germans, it’s a healthy hobby, for everyone else in the universe, it’s a evil, vile, truly terrible invention.

The German contribution to pan design was to include a small shelf, not but a few inches from the seat. From there, any, er, debris, can be collected and preserved in tact.

Upon a lengthy inspection, the object of interest can is flushed away via water from the rear, into a rank, dark lair beneath. We don’t like to think what lives under there.

http://asecular.com/ provides some useful diagrams:

Fig 1: Normal toilet

Fig 2: German toilet

There is a feeling, in the bemused international community, that the German approach belongs to other times. The Banterist gets to the bottom of the matter:

"The Poo-Shelf comes from a period in German history when Germans were less interested in world domination and apparently more interested in spending quality time with their faeces."

The problems with this design are manifold. The key insight of the “normal” toilet is that items are deposited into water, where they can do no harm to any one, forgotten and innocuous. Whereas, the German kazi does not coat our little brown friends in a neutralising water coat, but allows the ungodly smell to woft delightfully around the room.

One can only assume that the production of a German rear gives off a light, fragrant aroma.

Another issue is water pressure. Not enough and well, my friends, then you have a catastrophe. But, too much, reveals another problem for http://asecular.com/:

“The first time I flushed the toilet the water came rushing through so forcefully that a small chunk of poo launched off the lip and shot out over the floor. After that we always held the lid down when we flushed. I swore you could feel a kick as the turd ricoched off the underside”

Another potential issue has brought about a schism between men and women. The issue, as with most problem, is generally male. Once you place distance between a source of liquid and the most needlessly bouncy porcelain known to man, then you are in a world of splash-back pain.

Although the men were content to do their business in a refreshing mist of their own spray, the women organised. Signs started to appear around toilets.

No standing for you boys. Unfortunately, this movement has not passed my landlady un-noticed. It is a little difficult to the habit. And some men are beginning to fight back against their emasculation, and are standing up for their rights.

Although it is pleasing to see the Germans have moved on from their days of testosterone-fuelled militarism, it hard not to feel nostalgic for The Good Old Days.

It’s also hard not to feel nostalgic for a normal toilet.

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